For approximately, oh, the entirety of civilization, we've been pretty bad at teaching people about sex. When you got The Talk from the middle-school woodshop teacher you bought cigarettes from, it probably mostly involved cautionary tales about his wicked case of super-herpes and very little about what people actually do in bed. All we've really got is porn, which is the absolute worst way to learn how to rub genitals together.

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Porn is a fantasy by necessity. Therefore, sometimes porn stars do things that are so far removed from reality that it actually takes me out of it and I can't even enjoy it anymore, kind of like the Wilhelm Scream in regular movies, but with just so much more dick. And -- God help us all -- they've shown up on screen so often, people have started thinking those bizarre little porn tropes are what sex is. I beg of you, unless you have your partner's enthusiastic approval and cooperation, do not ever try. Let's get this out of the way -- slapping a penis or a vagina is not about BDSM. It's ridiculous that in 2015 I even have to say that there's nothing wrong with that between informed and consenting adults. What's weird is that this happens in totally non-BDSM scenarios, in the throes of regular, everyday passion.

You see, kids, when a man and woman really love money, sometimes they'll be engaging in perfectly boring, average naked-time shenanigans on film when suddenly a vagina gets slapped. The woman squeals, the shenanigans resume, and that's how misconceptions are made.

When the young, male masturbaters that make up porn's target audience grow up and find themselves between the legs of an actual woman who isn't getting paid to react to sex with the excitement of hitting the Powerball, they'll often be under the impression that this is a thing most women enjoy, and the unsuspecting victim is going to end up very confused, because why? Why would you think that feels good? It doesn't even feel bad, particularly, but it's like you've just interrupted whatever presumably enjoyable activity you were just engaging in to poke me in the eye. Just, why would you do that? Gpointstudio/iStock/Getty Images. 'This sex yes?' I'm positive that if you polled a representative sample of women, 'I just love having my vagina manually assaulted' is not something you're going to hear often, though there are undoubtedly women who are into this.

That's not saying much. Stand up, spin three times, and point at the first object you see -- there's someone who likes rubbing their crotch on that. (Hopefully not that specific one; you'll have to work that out with your roommate.) Just because you knew one woman who totally loved this doesn't mean you should spring it on someone unawares. This is particularly common among those relatively inexperienced in the ways of sex -- something worked one time, so by God, you're sticking to it; it's all you've got. And don't confuse the absence of objection with enjoyment: You'd be surprised by the number of women willing to shrug off a little labia-spankin' in the spirit of not wanting to hold an awkward 'sex ed.

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Dos and don'ts' conversation when she's trying to get laid. Wavebreakmedia Ltd/Wavebreak Media/Getty Images. You, the male spitter, from the female perspective. One, if you think you're doing it for practical purposes, you should know that saliva is actually a really poor lubricant. You know how when you have chapped lips, you have to fight the urge to lick them, because you know it will just end up making them even drier? Think about that, but with a vagina. You can pause here if you have any apologies to make.

Two, it's legitimately repelling. When you spit in clothed situations, it's to show your disrespect for someone, or because you just put something gross in your mouth.

Think about the implications you're making about your partner there. Unless you're doing some kind of racially charged police brutality roleplay, it's kind of insulting. Iampixels/iStock/Getty Images.

It's also lazy. Look, anal sex, for example, is a delicate operation, and if that's the care you're going to take with it, suffice it to say I'm having second thoughts about this whole thing. The first dude who spits in my butthole is getting donkey-kicked right off the bed, and I know dudes for whom spitting on their penises is an instant boner-killer. At least be hot about it? If you replace the lazy hocking with some long, slow licking, congratulations, you've actually now performed a sexual act.